Winter Lilies

I received a phone call acouple of days ago from the girls’ Grandmother (Nana). It took me by suprise as it had been about a year since I or they had talked to her.

Last June (2008) they re-entered our lives and it was weird, but I was trying to go with the flow of things and start fresh with them. Long ago I had called this woman “Mom”. I had felt close to her in a way, and yet in another way I had always felt like an outsider, not good enough. I heard things, whether they were true or not, I will probably never know, but those things scared me, made me unsure, and just as happy when we lost contact, though I was sad for the girls to lose that contact.

A year ago I was sceptical and nervous, though they assured me they wanted nothing more than to have contact with the girls. I was unsure about that, but I toughed it out, I felt like more of an outsider than ever before, because I didn’t have any part in their family dynamics apart from being the girl’s Mom, and yet I still longed for the closeness that I had once felt.

The call the other day, it set me to thinking again. I don’t want people who are just going to pop in and out of the girls’ lives when it’s convienent for them, and yet I do understand to a point that things happen, you get busy, people get sick, and it’s just hard in this situation. The phone call was strained for me, my emotions were churning, are still churning. I have no place in their family, feel out of place when I’m around them, but then even in my own family I often feel out of place.

I want to talk to her, be close to her, have that connection, and yet she is the girls’ father’s mother, so I feel weird talking to her about what I think or feel, especially about the girls’ father. I feel as if I can not be honest with her about what I think or feel on that subject. He is her son, it would be wrong. These feelings I can not voice to her, to any of her family, not even to the girls. I have not even voiced these feelings to anyone else in my family, keeping them locked inside me. It’s hard.

I don’t know what to think or feel right now.

I have already been busy today. Took the girls to school this morning, came home checked my email, put the horse out to graze, and started cleaning.

I like to do a major housecleaning on Thursdays so the house looks nice for Dad when he comes home on Friday. I’ve already done 2 loads of laundry, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the litterpan, and have the laundry room ready to mop. In addition to that I still have to clean the kitchen, vacuum upstairs and downstairs, and see if I can get a few more things unpacked. I also have plenty of computer work to keep me busy…*LOL* Most of this needs to be done before 3pm when the girls come home.

After the girls come home we will have homework to do, dinner to fix, the horse will need put away, and baths will need taken, and then it will be our reading time.

Most nights the girls each read for a few minutes. Meg is reading one of the books that I used for homeschooling. Des is currently reading Leo The Lop. After they read, then I read to them for a little while. I am currently reading Little Women to them.

I am trying to be more consistant with my blog entries, but time has not been in favor of that lately. What with getting my stuff out of storage, and trying to get it all unpacked, along with the girls’ homework and our time spent together, plus trying to get the house organized the way I like it.

Well, plans are to update my other two blogs today too, but we shall see how the day goes…back to cleaning.